I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
