it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
