I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
