Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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