FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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