i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
