Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
