He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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