she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
