Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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