Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
