I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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