it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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