That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
