I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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