I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
