Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
