I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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