Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
