you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
