Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So many bounce houses so little time
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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