All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
