i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
