tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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