Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
