Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
