All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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