period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
