It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
