did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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