If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
