Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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