he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
