If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
