I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
