I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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