This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
