The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
