If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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