i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
