I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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