omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
