My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
