I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
