The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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