Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
