I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
