You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
