The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
These tits shall not be calmed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
