you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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